Tween Still Having Accidents in Her Pants, Any suggestions?

My step-daughter will be 11 in September. She is still pooping and peeing in her pants. For instance, she came over Saturday and left Sunday, she had changed her outfits 3 times, peed all over the sofa where she had fallen asleep and relieved herself in her bathing suit at the neighbors house where she was swimming. We end up yelling, not necessarily at her but just in general because it's just gone on for so long and we are exhausted of dealing with this every time she comes over. She is old enough to know better, she doesn't tell us when she has an accident and hides her messy panties in her room, she just walks around like nothing  happened and we smell it; I'm sorry it's not something I enjoy smelling. She lives permanently with her mother whom has been in and out of jail for 2 years, just got off probation, has no DL because she has 2 DUIs, leaves her with whomever will watch her so she can go party, beats and screams at her for punishment like cutting her hair, lying, and whenever she feels like when she is in a bad mood-from what daughter claims. But, the mother states that her daughter doesn't do the doodie in her panties when she is home. Can't say I completely trust that. We have tried to discuss this problem with my step-daughter but she won't respond to her dad or me about why she is doing this; if it's because she doesn't feel it-she does has cronic consipation and take laxatives-or maybe she can't make it to the toilet-though she can be really lazy at times- or maybe it's just stress because she does say that her house is full of drama and choas.

 

Since we cannot afford an attorney to fight for custody and DCF won't do anything-we have tried-and her mother obviously won't corporate with us so we can get the bottom of this. Has anyone been through this? Any suggestions? Opinions? Anything will help. This has been going on for almost 3 years and we are at our wits end! We can't enjoy her company when we are constantly fighting with her to check her, shower herself, washing clothes and sanitizing the sofa or changing the sheets.

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Well it could be an attention getter if what her mom says is true about not doing this at home.  I would definitely get her to a good Doctor, as it may be a medical issue.  Also, it is not uncommon for this to occur in children who have been sexually abused, which sounds like that could be possible with her mothers so-called "partying" and irresponsible behavior.  I must admit that 11 years old is definitely too old for this.  You did not mention if this occurs at school.  You may need to find that out and see what the teacher/counselors think.
forget about the "mom" helping, you truly need to get the girl in to some serious counseling, it could be from a number of problems, rejection from the mom, resintment to you(suppresed resentment), i know about the hidden underwear and cloths thru out the room and house, and it was not until the "patient" knows what is going on with the while situation, it is a sign of expression, thing is she does not know why she is doing it, you mentioned she will do this in her sleep, which means she has some deep deep issures that really need to be addressed ASAP. cause Cynthia is right about one thing, it is a sign and symptom of sexual abuse
Sounds like all of you need some serious intervention.  Praying for the girl.
Laxatives at her age??? Something serious is going on here and it sounds as if you need to get her help now. This is something at her age that should not be happening. It could be for a number of reasons but if her mom is the way she says she is I would have to say it's directly related to that. Please get her help before it's too late.  It's very possible that she's been sexually abused, and if the poor girl is going through mental abuse is just as bad. I'd be fighting for that girl.
I went through alot of stuff growing up including divorce, molestation, verbal abuse, and the death of my mother. I would occasionally wet my bed up until I was 14. I needed help. Get some for your step-daughter asap.

First of all she needs to see a good doctor and if I were her father would have already had her to a shrink.  If DCF won't do something from just YOUR call I doubt they would be able to ignore a call of child abuse from a licensed professional. 

 

She is the way she is because of the way you described she is being raised.  She needs more love than any one person is going to be able to give her.  She lives in a horrible situation and it's very sad to me. 

amen sista...wish the address was posted...I'd make the call myself.



Patricia Tillis Caldwell said:

First of all she needs to see a good doctor and if I were her father would have already had her to a shrink.  If DCF won't do something from just YOUR call I doubt they would be able to ignore a call of child abuse from a licensed professional. 

 

She is the way she is because of the way you described she is being raised.  She needs more love than any one person is going to be able to give her.  She lives in a horrible situation and it's very sad to me. 

This issue can also be a medical reason for her accidents. She could have some type of inverted bladder that can not hold the urine or damage to her intestines so she soils herself. It can stem from sexual abuse and this girl needs help before she enters high school and it causes her more mental anguish

You do not even need a doctor I wouldn't think. Find someone, anyone, to sit down and talk to her that she doesn't know and doesn't feel will judge her. If a female that she had never known before spent time with her as a friend even just for a couple of days a week, not as a counselor or a parent, I can guarantee she would open up about her feelings to this person and you would find out what her problems are. 

 

I really think you should try it. It's free and sending her to a counselor or a mental therapist might possibly cause her to rebel and feel alienated and close herself in more.

Well .. I would hope that if she had someone like that in her life already that she wouldn't be having these problems, you know?  From experience I can tell you that oftentimes it's easier to talk with a stranger who is educated and skilled at helping children through difficult times. Kids have to be taught healthy coping mechanisms, it isn't innate.

April said:

You do not even need a doctor I wouldn't think. Find someone, anyone, to sit down and talk to her that she doesn't know and doesn't feel will judge her. If a female that she had never known before spent time with her as a friend even just for a couple of days a week, not as a counselor or a parent, I can guarantee she would open up about her feelings to this person and you would find out what her problems are. 

 

I really think you should try it. It's free and sending her to a counselor or a mental therapist might possibly cause her to rebel and feel alienated and close herself in more.

I agree littlemonkeysmom. 

LittleMonkeysMom said:
Well .. I would hope that if she had someone like that in her life already that she wouldn't be having these problems, you know?  From experience I can tell you that oftentimes it's easier to talk with a stranger who is educated and skilled at helping children through difficult times. Kids have to be taught healthy coping mechanisms, it isn't innate.

April said:

You do not even need a doctor I wouldn't think. Find someone, anyone, to sit down and talk to her that she doesn't know and doesn't feel will judge her. If a female that she had never known before spent time with her as a friend even just for a couple of days a week, not as a counselor or a parent, I can guarantee she would open up about her feelings to this person and you would find out what her problems are. 

 

I really think you should try it. It's free and sending her to a counselor or a mental therapist might possibly cause her to rebel and feel alienated and close herself in more.

I say get her help. That is sometimes a form of crying out for help not necessarily attention. An 11 year old would not do that unless there was a problem. They do not want to be embarrassed. She may be ONLY doing it with you because you guys are who she wants the help from. I personally would bring her right away. She is suffering inside....ugh...stories like this are so heartbreaking. When you say DCF won't do anything?? What exactly have you tried, if you don't mind me asking. What your step-daughter is experiencing is neglect. Good luck and If I were you...I wouldn't stop until she gets the help she needs.  

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